A hotel room in East Orange, New Jersey, a woman with really big hair sits eating melty cheese on a newly pressed bedspread, expressing her frustration to her lover (her middle manager at Kraft) regarding Velveeta being hard to control.
Big Haired Chick (BHC): "Ohmygod, this cheese is so hard to control. You know, my hairspray used to be hard to control, but then I found a really great mousse at the mall"
Manager: "So what?"
BHC: "Don't you ever listen? I SAID, "Mousse is easy to control, Velveeta isn't!"
Manager:(thinking for a moment about her big, moussy hair): "Oh."
BHC: "Can you put Cheese in a mousse bottle, and make it come out that way?"
Manager:(Glad for a fleeting moment that he hasn't left his wife yet)"Who the Hell would buy that?"
BHC: "SHA! I totally would!"
Manager: (thinking about how dumb people are) - "Cheese doesn't work that way. You can't just stick aerosol in a can, and mix it with Cheese, it wouldn't even be cheese. The stuff we sell barely gets by the FDA as it is!"
BHC: "So call it "CHEEZ"."
Manager: (in his best Sonny Bono, middle management way) "I got you babe!"
And a star was born. Not Cheese, not hairspray. Not quite food, but legally edible, and illegal to take on a plane because of it's explosive qualities. Cheez Whiz. EZ Cheez. Whatever.
Why Do I care?
Well, I guess I don't - but I had a few hours of not a lot to do (such an uncommon occurrence) and 14.95 for the Domain Registry burning a hole in my credit card statement. Surfing the web, I found a myriad of information regarding Cheez Whiz! Did you know that you can use Cheez Whiz to CLEAN YOUR CLOTHES? Did you know many aerosol products reccomend that users wear GOGGLES when operating their products? How about the fact that Cheez Whiz can be made into an explosive device?
Hi. I've created this site to educate you, the bored websurfer, on why Cheez Whiz sucks harder than a fluffer trying out for a Brad Pitt gig. I was at work recently (note that I state "at work" not, "working", or any verb plus "ING") and somehow developed a conversation about cheez whiz with one of the not less than 92,000 people at the company that make more than I do. So, to express my disappreciation for Cheez Whiz to the rest of the world (no one at the office listens to me anymore, which I am sure comes to you as quite a shock) I went ahead and made a webpage (it's the new milennium, and I figured if my neighbor's cat gets a webpage, as does the Winona Park Bulldogs, as well as Fabio - then my opinion of Ez-Cheez sure as Hell deserves to waste some precious bandwidth. So sit back, grab some Stilton, some Muenster and enjoy...
So - let's get on with a little background in Cheez.
The origin of cheese is lost in the mist of time (Unlike Cheez Whiz, which should have been lost in the bowels of the Jersey City from where its patheticness was born). Thousands of cows and sheeps and goats have been milked since someone first decided to curdle milk. The French have always regarded cheese as essential, whether they buy it on site (in farms), or in supermarkets, whether to eat or as deodorant. But which sort of cheese shall you choose? According to the legislation, cheese means " fermented or not fermented, matured or not matured food, made from dairy produce (milk, can be more or less skimmed, or cream or dasher). It can be used as such or coagulated, before it se drained, partly or not. It keeps at least 23% of dry matter". Cheez Whiz however, holds few, if any of these properties. In fact, it's closer to caulk than cheeze (I did once know a contractor that caulked homes in the midwest using Cheez Whiz, and a study showed that Cheez Whiz actually insulates windows 32% better than traditional silicone caulking, even though it is made in virtually the same way!
Disclaimer: I did not utilize any company resources to make this page, besides my time (no Frontpage, just my little Dell, and a negligible amount of bandwidth (look Ma! I'm coding this complex .html all by myself!). I have links here to people that have covered their rooms in "Easy Cheese", people that have run out naked in the middle of NYC covering others in Cheez-Whiz, and basically anything else that I found that had to do with Cheez-Whiz, and the contribution it has made to the downfall of the United States. Before you ask, "WoW! Is this all true?" I shall jump in and respond, well, a lot of it is - and the rest is TRUE ENOUGH.
